Living in a beautiful world. . . . .

I have never been what you would call beautiful.  I have never even been what you would call pretty.  To be honest - I am ugly.  I am over weight and have a terrible body.  I have very British teeth (ie - very, very crooked and stained).  I have terrible skin (not fair to be dealing with wrinkles and acne).  I have hair that does nothing, no matter how long I work on it to try to make it look nice.  I am physically ugly.

Being ugly is hard for a woman.  I think most women want to feel pretty at some point in their life.  I have done things with pretty women - and it never ceases to amaze me how differently pretty women are treated.  It is true - people treat attractive, beautiful women differently then ugly ones.  I had a friend in college who looked just like Jessica Alba.  We both had our first children at the same time, and when we went places together people would hold the door open for us.  They would give up tables for us at restaurants, and let us cut in line at the check out.  Clerks in stores would come running up to us to see if they could help us.  I was AMAZED at the difference.

I live in a beautiful world.  I live in a community of Stepford people.  They have it all put together.  They have beautiful white, straight teeth.  They have beautiful bodies.  Their hair is always in place.  They wear beautiful clothing.  When they pull their kids out of the car their cars are spotless.  Their children are always beautiful with pressed clothing and hair in place, not a stain anywhere.  Everything about them exudes perfection.  And here I am.

I try to get a better body.  Really, I do.  I exercise 5 days a week.  I spend most of the day starving, and try very hard to limit what I eat at dinner time.  I drink nothing with calories in it.  I watch what I eat (for the most part).  Doesn't work.  The only way I lose weight is by totally stopping eating.  In the past, that was the ONLY time I lost weight - when I was so sick I couldn't eat or keep anything down for an extended period of time, or I just stopped eating because I couldn't stand being fat anymore.  I have seizures, I pass out, and in the end I am still not 90-110 pounds (my IBW).  I will never have a cute body, never.  I may be more in shape and eat healtier, but I will never be where society and charts say I should be.  And to make matters even worse - I am a dietitian.  I am a fat dietitian. 

My skin - horrible.  I have tried everything - nothing works.  When I wear makeup to cover it the make up only makes it worse.  Exercise makes it worse.  The only thing that helps it is if I don't exercise at all and don't go any place I will sweat.  We live in Florida - that isn't going to happen.  And I need to exercise or I would weigh twice what I weigh now.

My teeth - I brush and floss them every day.  I go to the dentist, but they stain.  They are crooked.  I have gotten estimates to have them fixed . . . $20,000.  Yep, $20,000.  We don't have $20,000 to fix my teeth.  We will never have $20,000 to fix my teeth.  And yes - I have had two different orhto's give me that quote. 

So I live in beautiful Florida with all these beautiful people and I am ugly.  I take my kids to functions and either get ignored or stared at.  People drive by me while I am walking and bark at me out the window.  I try to talk to people and the nicest I get is that "awww, this person is trying to talk to me," to just being rudely ignored and scoffed it. 

I am tired of it.  I am tired being treated like a nothing piece of shit.  I am not ignorant and air-headed.  I am so tired of being treated that way.