Sunday, March 10, 2019

Abortion thoughts . .

Haven't blogged in a while, but read a couple of stories last week that got me thinking about a few things.

I am fairly pro life. Actually I am pretty strongly pro life.  I think birth control should be free and easier to get. I think pregnancy prevention should be taught to our children.  With that being said, I do not think people who have abortions are evil. I have never been in a situation where I thought that would be the best option for me, and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to be in the situation where you though that was the best option.  I also see a fertilized egg, with a heartbeat as a person - not a parasite, but that is going a little off topic from where I was heading.

I was reading about abortion, abortion laws, and definitions.  In reading that it hit me, I actually had an abortion.  I had a pregnancy that we decided to terminate.   Yep, Nick and I terminated not just one pregnancy, but three pregnancies. 

The last two that we terminated ended up with the birth of all three of our daughters. I wasn't in labor, they were repeat C-section.  Maybe Gabe's birth would have fit this too, but since I was in labor before his emergency C-section I prefer not to count it.  I know, it seems stupid to consider them "abortions", but if you look at early termination of pregnancy as the definition, then those would count .

The one that hit me the hardest was the termination of our first pregnancy, and it is situations like that one that mean, to me, certain abortion rights should be protected.

I knew from a young age that I may never have children. A tumor damaged me reproductive organs, so I knew it may never happen. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant soon as we got married.  Two plus years later, after several tests and procedures, we became pregnant. We were overjoyed!

Pregnancy went well. Had an ultrasound at 8 weeks that showed a heartbeat. We loving refered to him as "Webbie" after reading one day in the baby books that he no longer had webbed fingers.  After 12 weeks we started purchasing baby items. We were past the miscarriage window. 

Went in for my 16 week check up.  Everything appwared to be going well. My uterus was measuring fine.  Pulled out the little Doppler machine and couldn't find a heartbeat. Had an ultrasound, and there was my sweet little Webbie.  He looked perfect.  You could see his arms, legs, little head.  He looked like a perfect little baby - except he wasn't moving and they could find no heartbeat. Two days later we had another ultrasound, with a higher level machine, that showed the same thing.  He had passed away.

They said I would eventually go into labor any day.  Days came and went. Days turned into weeks.  My uterus still growing. I looked more and more pregnant every day.  My body still did not want to deliver my baby.  They had guessed he passed away not long after my 12 week appointment, so when 20 weeks came it was obvious my body was happy keeping him in there forever.  My doctor decided I should "deliver" him with a D & C.

Went into the hospital that day and on my paperwork where it had my diagnosis it said "missed abortion". I lost it. Completely lost it.  My husband said, "Um, she didn't have an abortion, she had a miscarriage." The nurse explained that the term "abortion" was any pregnancy that ended before it should.

I know people are talking about elective abortions when they talk about abortion, but when you think about our situation we did have an elective abortion.  We could have waited longer, I am sure my body would have delivered Webbie at some point, but we decided to no longer continue with his pregnancy. I couldn't start healing from his loss while he was still in me. 

This was a startling realization for me.  I could not have continued being pregnant with him. I was a mess.  What would it mean in that situation if all abortions were banned?  I can't help but wonder.  What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Is my personality lacking something . . . . (yep - my rants are back)

It has been a long time since I have blogged.  Working and raising the kids has kept me pretty busy.  Since my last post my husband has accepted his dream job which has him traveling all over the country, we have moved back to Michigan, and I have become a stay at home mom.  We live in this big beautiful farmhouse in the middle of nothing.  The only neighbors we have are this really nice couple who winter down south.  Thus, I am here all week with no real adult contact since my husband is out of state every week.  I am pretty sure you will begin to regularly see my rants. . . .

So here is where I am today, I fear that I may be lacking something deep within me that makes me a good parent or even a decent person.  I mean, I know I am not a bad person or an evil person.  I am not a psychopath, but I just fear there is something in 90% of other mothers out there that isn't in me.  Why do I think this?  Let me explain.

I see other mothers with their children.  I see this loving bond between them.  I see the child hug the mom.  I see the mom lovingly look at their child.  I wish I had that.  Honestly, I feel like I am closer to the white trash family we all know (and we all have at least seen one in the store) where the kids are all filthy and fighting with each other and I seem to be the one keeping the 16 year old from trying to hug the 10 year old who doesn't want to be hugged, and trying to keep that 10 year old from kicking that 16 year old, while the 14 year old is yelling because someone is chewing gum too loud. . . . OK, I am sure you see where I am going with this (BTW - this situations have actually happened with my kids.)  Sometimes I can get a good conversation out of the teenagers.  Usually in the evening the twins will cuddle with me on the couch (while both fighting for my lap), but that is it for the loving relationship I have with my kids.

I hear other moms talk about their children.  They talk about how amazing they are.  They talk about what groups and sports they are in.  They talk about their grades and how smart they are.  I hear this pride in their voices about how amazing their children are - then there is me.  My kids are total dumb asses.  Don't get me wrong, they are smart kids, two of them are in the genius area for IQ, but they do stupid things sometimes.  In fact, lately they do stupid things more often then they don't do stupid things.  I get to brag that, "My 10 year old peed in a cup and drank it because she wondered what urine would taste like."  My kids don't play sports.  Gabe skateboards, he loves it, but to be honest he sucks at it (no, he will never read this).  Evie loves the Cello but never practices it.  I love my kids, I find them amazing, but more in a shake my head and wonder, "How did that come from my DNA?"

I hear of other moms making wonderful lunches for their kids.  Making shaped cheese slices and bento box creations.  Leaving stickies in their kids lunches.  My kids - well I try to get them to make their own sandwiches the night before (and got yelled at by my mother because, "isn't that your job.")  In the morning I toss in their juice box (at least I make sure it is 100% juice), little bag of chips, fruit, and sweet snack type thing.  I put them on the counter for them to grab on their way out.  Half the time I have to chase them out to the bus stop because they forget it on the way out.  No special notes.  No cute little designs for them to eat.  It is food.  By the time they got to school it would be messed up anyway.  I love my kids, but I don't have this drive to do cutsie things for them.

I see other mom's who work full time and take care of four plus kids and have a smile on their face.  Their kids are always clean, their homes are clean, healthy meals are on the table, finding time to exercise, and all while working full time.  How?  I can't.  I just can't do it.  I get tired.  I mean, I get so tired I can't function or think.  No matter how  much coffee I drink I nod off while driving.  I can't function like that.  When I get that tired I get grumpy.  I tell myself that my kids are "special" kids and take more time an attention than others, I mean two of them have forms of autism, right?  I know the truth though, there has to be something missing in me to not be able to do these things - and do them joyfully.

There are times I don't like being around my kids.  There, I said it.  I love my kids, but there are times I don't like them.  I don't want to listen to their petty fighting.  I don't want to have to force them to shower or brush their teeth AGAIN for the thousandth time in a row.  I don't like dealing with the "why can't I have my license yet" or "why can't I get a tatoo yet" or "Every other 4th grader has a cell phone, why can't we have one."  I don't like having to take the diarrhea soaked underwear off my 10 year old for the 12th time that day, and re-wash the sheets, AGAIN.  I love them.  I know how lucky I am to have them, but there are times I don't want to be around them.

I don't enjoy housework.  I like a clean house.  I love a clean house.  I CAN'T STAND a house that smells bad (if you come into my house and it stinks please tell me), but I don't enjoy housework.  I see other women joyfully cleaning their homes.  I don't get joy out of cleaning.  I would rather go out and paint something, or cook something, or mow the law, or rake. . . do just about anything then clean.  In fact, when I clean I am usually made madder.  "How the heck did a child get poop there?"  "Someone would have to work hard to get a sock hidden in that place."  "A PLATE?!? IN THE BEDROOM?!? They know the rule of no food in any room with carpet!"  So where as I like having a clean house, and I spend Thursday doing my deep cleaning every week, I just find it makes me angry because I live with slobs.  My Grandmother would joyfully clean, she did it because she loved her family.  I never once heard her yell at us for being slobs or even say anything about the mess we made, yet I just get angry.  Why can't my love for my children override my anger over having to pick up their shoes, socks, bags, school work, laundry. . . every single day.

Finally, I get frustrated . . . . and I yell. . . I hate yelling.  I really hate yelling.  I never wanted to be that mom who yelled at her kids.  But, after cleaning up the exact same mess over and over and over again, or asking the kids to put their clean clothing away (I fold the stuff, they are old enough to put it away) over and over and over and over again, and having them not do it I get frustrated and yell.  Watching the 16 year old try to hug the 10 year old, who NEVER wants to be hugged by the 16 year old, and listening to her say "NO!" for the hundredth time I yell.  I love my kids, I don't want to yell at my kids, but they make me so frustrated.  Why can't they get along for at least 1 hour?  Why does the 16 year old purposely do things he knows will piss of the three girls?  Why can't they do their chore without being harped on to do it?  Why can't they hang their book bags up on the hall tree when they get home from school?  These kids know what we expect from them.  Putting clothing away, doing dishes and hanging up their book bags are terribly hard chores.  Yet they don't do them unless I harp at them. . . and that frustrates me.  I NEVER remember my Grandmother yelling or getting frustrated with me.  She always had loving patients.  I see other mothers deal with these things with getting upset. . .

I wish more than anything I had in me what I see so many women have in them, what my Grandmother had in her.  This sweet loving temperament that is joyful in everything they do, this beaming pride over the things their children accomplish, this boundless energy to get everything done plus knit a scarf, and the patience to never yell.  In this journey of creating four adults who will go off and be productive members of society I wish I could show them more love, yet I feel like a drill sergeant.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What bothers me the most about the medical community and adverse reactions to vaccinations.

Those who know me personally know I don't vaccinate my children.  I did vaccinate them.  I promote vaccinations.  I think vaccinations are a wonderful thing that saves millions of lives.  I have worked at two different health departments for almost 10 years now, and in that time have promoted these products on a daily basis.  I am not anti-vaccine.

When I started at the health department around 2002, the Wakefield study on MMR and autism was in it's height.  I read it.  I was skeptical.  It was such a small sample of children.  Most of what I read stated that for some reason children with autism also had issues with there intestines, and part of this was that there was measles virus in the intestinal tract of children with autism, and this wasn't found in children without autism.  It is a well known fact that GI problems are common in children on the spectrum - my question after reading it was this, "Was this seen because there is some immunological component of autism that caused a weakened GI tract were the virus could grow."  Either way - everyone says his study was a fraud and he had now lost his license (haven't read the specifics of it).  Even after that, though, I had doubts about autism and vaccinations.  My oldest child was autistic and he was born that way - a vaccination did not worse his autism - he was autistic in my womb (trust me - that child NEVER slept even inside of me!)

My time at the health department did make me question things though.  I saw things that made me question the safety of vaccinations.  Healthy children who had their first seizure the night of a vaccination.  One child had his first stroke the night of his 12 month vaccination, and had his second stroke the night of his 15th month vaccination.  All parents said, "the doctor said it wasn't the vaccination," but most of these parents weren't comfortable continuing to vaccinate after that.  I came across parents who swore their child was developmentally normal, had a vaccination, and then weren't.  There were enough of these things that I started to question that these vaccinations were 100% safe.  No, there was no scientific evidence that what happened to these children was caused by the vaccination.  Could that child have been meant to have his first stroke the night of those 12 month shots, maybe.  Could that same child have been meant to have his second stroke the night of his 15 month shots - to me that seems highly unlikly.  To me, and to most people who would look at these situations without a vested interested in either side, it would look like a basic cause/effect relationship - cause was vaccination and it caused a stroke/seizure.  Thus, with my twins, my husband and I decided to vaccinate on an alternative schedule and only when they were very healthy.

That leads me to my beautiful little Lucy.  My big blue eyed, curly haired, self confident Lucy.  I was on high alert for autism in all my girls since we dealt with it for my oldest.  Had the girls all tested three times.  All three tests came back the same, developmentally normal.  She was 4 years 11 months when everything changed.  We had a parent teacher conference that morning, it was glowing.  She was wonderful.  Got along well with other kids.  Funny.  Bright.  A joy to have in the class.  That afternoon we had her last diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis vaccination.  She was fine for a couple of hours, but then we noticed she grumpy and wouldn't bend her arm (she had the shot in that arm).  We looked at it and it was bright red and swollen to almost twice its size.  That was when we noticed the hives.  It was a few minutes later that the screaming started - and it didn't stop for three days.  When the screaming stopped she was a different child.  After many different doctors, and tests the diagnosis was that she had an immunological reaction to the vaccination that caused brain damage and this brain damage is what now causes autism and ADD/ADHD.  She was fine the morning of, had the vaccination, and when she stopped reacting to the vaccination she wasn't.  I don't need science to prove or disprove what we experienced in our home.  The way her body reacted to that vaccination is what caused my child to develop autism and ADD/ADHD.

Since then I had to change doctors.  Her primary pediatrician at that time (we moved to Florida 7 months before so he didn't follow us from birth), who saw her go from a normal potty trained almost 5 year old, to a wild, out of control, un-potty trained child who couldn't function stated that this reaction was Post traumatic stress disorder and I just needed to take her to counseling.  There were trying to force me to continue vaccinations by stating they wouldn't sign the school waiver to allow her to go without being fully vaccinated.  Even after the neurologist (who he sent us to) stated she had brain damage that was caused by an immunological reaction - he still refused to see it as anything more than PTSD.  The therapist (again he sent us to), was the one who eventually started the ball rolling for the diagnosis of autism and add/adhd and said, "No, she does not have PTSD," couldn't even convince him that this was more than what he was thinking it was.  "Just don't accept this behavior from her and discipline her more," was his response.

Thankfully in Florida I was able to go to the health department and sign a waiver that states it is against my religious belief to vaccinate my children.

Now there is this huge thing in the media about "everyone must be vaccinated or else".  Boehner stated, "Yes, all children need to be vaccinated" (yep, because a politician does have the expertise to say that it is safe for my child to be vaccinated.)  I have had friends and family members post things on f-book and say things about those "ignorant" people who don't vaccinate their children putting everyone in harms way.  It is frustrating.  Many of these people knew Lucy before and after the vaccination.

I still work at a health department and today this was this big bulletin board that said, "VACCINATIONS DON'T CAUSE AUTISM" in large letters.  We listened to this woman talk about this for a portion of the meeting.  She showed a video that talked about how people who thought vaccinations cause autism are ignorant.  Vaccinations NEVER cause autism or developmental delays in anyone.  Well, I got angry at this point.  You can't make a statement like never when it comes to the human body - because anything is possible.

After the meeting I went up and spoke to her.  I told her what happened to Lucy and that it is impossible to say "never" when you are dealing with something like this.  This is how it went after I told her.  "So she had an immunological reaction that caused the brain damage that caused the autism, right?"  I said, "Yep."  She said, "Well, that could have been anything that caused that reaction."  I said, "It could have been anything, but it wasn't.  She reacted to that vaccination.  It was night and day.  She was fine in the morning and that night she wasn't."  She said, "Well, you don't know that it was the vaccination that was the trigger.  I am so sorry this happened to your family, but you don't know it was the vaccination that caused this."


What else made her arm swell (the arm she had the injection in)?  Was it the shirt that she had worn a dozen times before and a dozen times after?  What else caused the hives?  Tide?  I used Tide her entire life.  We didn't eat anything different that night than we normally eat, but somehow that caused it?  What about the three days of screaming.  Non-stop, scream until she fall asleep from exhaustion and then wake up and scream some more?

Then it hit me. . . . because that Wakefield study was discredited, and because other studies (mostly funded by the CDC and pharmaceutical companies who both have vested interests in the results being a certain way) do not show that vaccinations can cause autism/developmental delays then it must mean that no child can EVER have a reaction that causes the brain damage that causes autism/developmental delays.  Doctors and the government can run with this.  Here was this woman looking at me telling me that it was just pure coincidence that my child had an allergic like reaction that caused this - and that reaction (even though it started in the arm this was injected in) was not caused by the vaccination.  It couldn't happen because the Wakefield study was wrong and no study proved it could happen.  Even though when you go back to cause and effect, X happened and then Y happened - that X couldn't have caused it, because a study says it couldn't cause it.

Heck - there are billions of planets in the universe, but no study has ever come back that there is another planet with life on it, thus there can be no other planets out there with life on them, right?  Or, depending on what you believe, there is no scientific evidence that there is a God out there so there must not be a God, right?  Thus, because this one study was supposedly discredited, and these other studies don't show that it can happen - thus it proves it can NEVER happen.

This is what upsets me.  Nothing is impossible, improbable maybe, but not impossible.  If you give your child a vaccination does it mean they will get autism?  No.  Does every child with autism have a parent who can say it was caused by the vaccination? No (again - my oldest has autism and he was born this way).  That being said, does that mean that every parent who says, "My child was normal until the vaccination" is lying?  NO!  The fact that a vast majority of the health care community refuses to admit that these reactions, how ever rare they may be, can happen scares the hell out of me.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

My first rant of the year!

My first rant of the year!  Took a whole 7 days!  LOL!  Blogging makes me feel better, so here it goes.  

Something has been eating at me and there is nothing I can do about it.  I have tried to do something about it.  I have given suggestions.  I have put my ideas out there.  Alas, I feel helpless and powerless to change it.  That bothers me.  I hate seeing people who do things the proper way get crapped on.

So – here is the hypothetical situation  similar to what has been eating away at me. . . .

You made reservations at your favorite restaurant.  I mean, you love this place.  Made them three months ago for this Friday.  In that time, you got a gift card for $60 at that restaurant that expires on Friday night.  You know that will cover the meal of both you and your child, time worked out perfect for you to use this gift card on that meal.  You have that reservation – and are just so excited to go.  The reservation is at 6pm.  Your child, who is going to eat with you, has to be across the street at 8pm – they have a role in the local play and they have to be there at that time.  Should work out fine – right.  Your reservation is at 6.  It will be busy that night, but you shouldn’t need more than two hours at that restaurant, right?  That is why you made a reservation, so you could get in and out in a timely manor.

Friday comes.  You and your child show up at 5:50.  You give them your name and tell them you have a reservation – they see that reservation and say, “Have a seat, it will be a couple of minutes.”  That is fine, you are a little early.  You look around and see the place is packed.  The line to get a seat is so long it is outside the restaurant.  You are so glad you made that reservation!

Sitting down in the lobby with your child you talk about the play he/she is going to be in.  You talk about school/work that day.  You talk about what you are going to have for dinner.  While sitting you notice they are calling people back to tables.  Hmmmm. . . . Well, maybe they had reservations too.  Time goes by, it is now 6:30, you go up and say, “Just wanted to remind you that we are here.  We had a reservation at 6pm for a table.”  Lady says, “Yep, we have you here, it will just be a few more minutes.”  You sit back down.  Glad the play is across the street. 

More people are being called back.  That is strange.  You start talking to the person next to you.  “Yah, we have been here for over an hour,” they say.  “We heard this place was good and decided to stop by and eat.  We were just next door and it sounded good.”  They had no reservation, obviously. 

The person on the other side of you, chimes in and says, “Same here.  We were in the area as well today and just decided to wonder in.  “ 

At that moment the second person who spoke was called back to their seat.

At this point your son/daughter is very hungry, and that is turning into being hangry.  If you had known it would have taken this long you would have given him/her a snack.  It is now 6:50 and you know at least one person was called back before you who didn't have a reservation. 

Time continues.  7:20 comes and the first person you spoke to gets called back.  Now you are mad.  You only have 40 minutes to be seated, order, eat, and be across the street.  Why is this taking so long?  You had a reservation at 6pm.  You were there on time.  You planned in advance, yet people without a reservation are being seen before you.

By now you go back to the hostess, “Look, I have to be somewhere at 8, how much longer is it going to take?  My reservation was at 6pm.”

“Let me see. . . .” she looks at list.  “There are only two more people in front of you.”

“WHAT!  I have to be somewhere else at 8pm”

“Well,” hostess says, “maybe you should have come in sooner if you had to be somewhere at 8.”

“We aren’t going to be able to stay, is there any way I can get an extension on my gift certificate here so we can use it later, since you can’t honor my reservation today?”

Hostess, “You mean you are upset that you aren’t going to get a free meal from us.  Come on.  If you want your free meal you will wait, if you can’t then  you lose out.”

So – How would you feel if this happened to you?  You came in on time for your reservation – yet everyone who just walked in before you without a reservation was seated before you.   You are told that it doesn't matter if you have a reservation or not, you will be treated the same as those who walk in without a reservation.  You are told it is bad customer service to make those who just walked in wait longer than you, even though you had a reservation and they didn't.  You are told that maybe you shouldn't have made a reservation that close to your other engagement.  Then, you are told that because the meal was going to be free anyway you shouldn't be mad.  Would it make you mad?  Would you ever go back to that restaurant again?  Just curious.  

Sunday, November 2, 2014

And the world continues

Some people have so much love in them they are able to support all those around them.  That love is that beacon that draws people to them, helping them to thrive and continue.  They have so much love that it spills out to everyone and can help mend broken hearts and conquer fears of those around them.  Then, one day, that love is just gone and to those who knew that love, that beacon, they are left empty and broken.

To those people, the sun doesn't have the same shine.  A piece of them is missing, broken, gone forever.  Joy is always marred with knowing that it isn't as joyful without that love.  Nothing is ever the same again.

Yet, somehow, the world continues.  Time still moves forward.  Babies are born.  Jobs move you away.  Houses that saw that love and beacon crumble apart by time.  People get older.  Holidays come and go.  Life just continues, yet it is somehow emptier than before.  How can time and life just continue to move forward with your beacon gone?  Your standing on your own, but it is never really the same.  I have said it before - it is how I imagine losing a limb would be like - you learn how to function but it is never the same again.  Ever.  And to a certain extent a portion of you is forever gone.

People hold a tremendous amount of love in them.  Ask anyone with a pile of kids.  You have that first child and you have so much love for them.  You couldn't imagine there is room for any more love in your heart - but then you have that second child and now you have twice as much love.  The love for those people just continues to grow.  You make friends that you also love.  Your love just continues to build throughout your life.

So what happens when someone with a tremendous amount of love dies?  Where does that love go?That beacon of love that we all flocked to is gone, but to where?  Is it just forever gone, or is that beacon still out there.  Is her love for us still strong and thriving, or did it get buried in that vault with her?

Miss you Grandma.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Giving in . . . a little

Well - I have been working for six months now and I am glad I am working.  I love working WIC and hope that where ever we end up in the future that there will be a part time WIC job waiting for me.  With that - working has given me that sense of connection that I have needed and have been very much missing since we moved to the hang down state.  I work with people I really like, and do something a love.  That has helped, but there is always a down side - the balance between work and family.  I will admit I have been sucking lately at that balancing act.  Working four days a week has been hard on my family. . . . four days of rushing around and having no time to do anything but get kids ready in the morning, work, cooking dinner when I get home, getting the kids ready for bed and then passing out to start it all over the next day.  Fridays are spent running around doing everything I have to do in the six hours I don't have children - that is the Fridays I am not actually working (because many of my four days a week have turned into five days).  Weekends are spent manically trying to get the house cleaned and laundry done so that we can be ready for another week.  It has been hard.  Thankfully my four days a week is soon going to be down to three days a week.  I did three days a week for years in Michigan, so I know I can do it.

That being said I have realized that something has to give.  Part of my crazy week night schedule is that I have refused to budge on what I feed my kids.  Real food - that is what I feed them.  Things mostly made from scratch and processed as little as possible.  A full meal every night - with a main dish, a side dish, and a vegetable.  That means that I start cooking at 5:30 when I get home and am cooking until about 7-8 when the meal hits the table.  We finish eating clean up and go to bed.  To add insult to injury, my efforts to make real food for my kids is usually rewarded with at least one of the children refusing to eat it and the crying of hunger at 9 when they have to go to bed.

Well - I am admitting defeat here.  I am admitting that I just can't keep up the stamina of cooking meals like this anymore.  I am going to actually add some meals to our menu cycle that are, well, processed foods.

Now - I am not saying that I am going to give up cooking.  I am not going to have my kids eating pizza rolls and boxed mac n cheese 7 days a week. . . . but. . . maybe just once or twice a week they can have things that come from a box.  Those things they say, "normal" families eat.  Why?  Because I miss actually spending time with my kids.  The last six months has been nothing but this manic, "I have to run around and get the million things done that I have to do because I only have 4 hours a day to get 6 hours worth of work done" and I miss having time to actually be with my kids.

I love my kids, but I must admit that between working 32-40 hours a week, doing house work, and having to clean the same exact things up six different times a day because they have left their shoes on the floor again, and they pulled out all the craft stuff and left it all out on the table and I clean the table off to set it for dinner only to have them re-dirty it again while I am cooking dinner, and finding the socks that the pulled off their feet and tossed under the table so I have to crawl under it to get them, and having to pick up the half empty water glasses everywhere in the house seven times a day. . . . well - to get to my point I am getting kind of resentful towards my kids.  I am begging to feel like I am nothing but chef, maid, and money giver - not a person in the house they love - just their slave. I know this resentment isn't fair - I choose to have those kids - they didn't ask to be born.  I love my four kids - they are amazing kids - but I have turned into their slave who occasionally drill sergeants them into doing something.

Well - I don't like this - and if having toaster waffles for dinner one night allows me to re-connect with my kids and be more of a mom and less of a slave than I think the benefit those toaster waffles will bring will far outweigh their processedness. . .

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Be a "healthy" weight at all costs. . . .

Oh I am angry. . . . .

Isn't that usually when I blog - when I am angry/upset/sad. . . . well this time I am angry.  Mostly at myself - but also at society, healthcare professionals, just the way it is. . . .

So here it goes.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a registered dietitian, and have been for about 15 years.  I have worked mostly through the health department as a WIC/Maternal Infant Health dietitian, but I have also worked at several hospitals.  Obesity has always been an interest of mine - especially childhood obesity for several reasons.  First - my mother - even though she came from an active family and she herself was an active child - has suffered from obesity her entire life and I have seen what that struggle has done to her.  How people have treated her because of her obesity, how her weight has kept her from getting well deserved promotions and raises, how her battle against obesity (which included bariatric surgery) has ruined her health and left her heavier than ever.  Second, my own struggles to be my IBW along with three very hard pregnancies that resulted in 50 weeks of bedrest have left me with a BMI of 38 - well in the severely obese range.  Thus, I am doing a continuing education module called, "Underage & Overweight.  America's Childhood Obesity Crisis - What every family needs to know."  It is a great module.  It kind of, for the most part, follows my own personal stance of "if you eat right and stay active than your weight is going to be what it is going to be," along with, "focus on health, not weight."  The book talks about the changes in childhood obesity in the last few decades, study after study that shows calorie intakes and energy expenditures over those decades, study after study. . . . and I am left with two thoughts - first is, "dang, I have been right all along," and second, "WTF have we all been doing to ourselves all these years!"

So - here it goes.  First - overweight does not mean unhealthy.  Normal weight does not mean healthy.  These are things I have thought to be true for MANY years but these were things I thought I was wrong about.  Things that society and other health care professionals have told me I was wrong about.  My BMI is above 25 so I must be unhealthy.  My client's BMI is above 25 so they are unhealthy.  I hate f-ing BMI and always have.  It is a number that really means nothing.  Body Mass Index. . . . deals with body density, not body fatness.  Something I tell my clients EVERYDAY - but every insurance company, growth chart, and medical professional puts so much on that flippen number. . . and it is just that - a number.

So, I'll say it again, being overweight does mean someone is inactive and 3000 kcals a day of Doritos and Mc Donalds, while drinking 2 liters of soda pop and kool ade.  At the same time just because someone is normal weight it does not mean they are healthy, it does not mean they have three high calcium foods a day and eat five fruits and vegetables a day while getting in their 60 plus minutes of rigorous activity, and it does not mean they have a healthy relationship with food.  We, as a society, need to change this conception and stop putting so much emphasis on weight - instead we need to put it on being healthy!

This module I am studying discusses the increase in obesity over the last few decades - focusing mainly on childhood obesity but also talking about obesity in general.  It has been noticed that people/children of today actually consume less calories and fat than the did 20 years ago.  Let me repeat that - children of today consume less calories than they did 20 years ago.  A third time - our kids are eating less calories today than they did 20 years ago.  There goes the thought that we are eating more calories now than we have been and that is why we area a "fat" country with "fat" kids.

The module goes on further to recite study after study that discussed that the reasons we are gaining weight is because a - we are eating less calories than we need thus our bodies are in boarder-line starvation mode and b - we aren't as active as we once were.  It states that if you are active in "starvation" mode than one of two things will happen, 1 - you will lose a small amount of weight before just hitting a point of maintenance until you stop starving yourself which will then cause your body to quickly gain the weight back or 2 - your body will force weight gain even if you are eating less and exercising because it is a protection mechanism.  We have all seen people lose a tremendous amount of weight eventually gain it back, or heard people say, "I exercise and eat right but I can't lose weight."  In the medical profession we tend not to believe them.  We tend to think they are under reporting calories and over reporting activity because if they are eating as little as they say they eat and are doing as much as they say they are doing then they would be "thin", right?  WRONG!

We - as health care professionals - push to have a "healthy" body weight.  We focus on the healthy BMI range of 18-25, because we are told that is healthiest.  Our insurance companies are even having higher premiums for individuals with BMI's higher than 25.  Forcing people to go to drastic measures and even having surgeries to get to that point so they can be "healthy".  We have been told over and over that if your BMI is above 25 then you are overweight and you have to do something.  Well guess what, that is a pile of shit!

Please note, I am not promoting obesity or a BMI of 38 like mine - but that "normal" and "healthy" BMI of 25 is not all it is cracked up to be.  First, a study did show that individuals who live the longest have a  BMI of 25.  That is fact.  That exact number lives the longest, but the next range of individuals who live the longest is from 25-30, with an average having a BMI of 27.5.  So why the heck are we pushing 18-25 if the range for healthy weight should be 25-30?  Study after study shows that individuals who are 20-40 pounds overweight don't have any less life longevity than those at their ideal body weight.  Again - why then are we pushing people to be at that lower weight with all this researched knowledge?  Plus, it has been noted that elderly individuals who are 20 pounds above there IBW are more able to recover from illnesses than those in the "normal" BMI range - yet again we push to be in that 18-25 range.  Can someone tell my why this is the case?  Finally, and this is the thing that gets me, the Framingham study.  Anyone who works in the medical field has heard of this study - it is a huge and very well respected study - well this study shows that men and women who lose weight have the highest death rates - even when the weight is voluntary and not caused by illnesses like cancer and AIDS.  Let me repeat that - individuals who lose weight have the highest death rate - higher than those who are obese.  This has been corroborated by other studies such as the Harvard Alumni study, MRFIT, CARDIA, and NHANES I.

WTF?!?!?!?!?  So all this time I have been trying the help individuals lose weight because I thought it was healthy for them and would lead to a longer, healthier life when really I was just increasing their chances of earlier death?!?!?!  I myself have struggled to be my IBW since I was 18 years old.  Increasing my activity more and more and decreasing my intake more and more - I did this because I thought it would mean I would be healthier and live longer. . . and now you are telling me that in doing this I am just sending myself to an earlier grave?

I turn to myself and I am even more pissed.  I look at my own body and just get pissed!  I am an obese dietitian.  Yep - a dietitian - someone who is supposed to be thin - and I am obese.  I have heard other dietitians make fun of fat dietitians, heard them say things like, "I don't even understand how they can be a dietitian and fat, if anyone should be thin it should be them."  I have read articles discussing how dietitians with BMI's above 25 should lose their license and not be allowed to practice because they are obviously unhealthy.  I have been ashamed of my body for many, many years because my weight is not 90-110 pounds - my ideal body weight range - and have felt very much like a failure because of it.  I have even went to doctors with my frustration and I am always told the same thing, "eat less and exercise more."  I have looked at them and told them, "I can't eat less and exercise more, if I did that I would be eating nothing and exercising non-stop."  Doctor's don't believe me.  Even in my quest to run a half marathon, where I was jogging 4 miles three days a week and 8 miles on my long run day I ended up gaining weight and in my frustration I went to the doctor and was told, "Eat less and exercise more."

That is bull shit.  I am obese - and I am obese because I was meant to be more than 110 pounds.  Yep - my body liked 135 pounds.  That was where my body was healthy.  That was where I had energy to be active and could eat a variety of foods.  I could drink milk and eat fruits and vegetables, but I was told I needed to lose 25 pounds.  I was overweight at 135 pounds and I was unhealthy at 135 pounds  - so I started doing something about that.  Eating healthier and exercising.  I got down to 128 pounds.  I actually felt good at that weight, but it wasn't 90-110 pounds.  I was still overweight and "unhealthy".  I continued to eat a variety of foods and exercise, and I continued to stay at 128 pounds.  For a year I worked hard and ate right, and at the end of that year I was still 128 pounds.  I felt good - but not the 90-110 pounds I "should" have been.  Something had to be done about that - so I did what many people do to lose that weight and be "healthy" - I did things that were un-healthy.

I see people doing it all the time and they get praised for it, but society and health care professionals.  I joke that, "I swear it is OK to be anorexic and bulimic if you are obese, I mean, you gotta do anything you can to be healthy, right, and obese is unhealthy so extreme measures are required!"  Heck - there are entire shows dedicated to individuals losing massive amounts of weight in a few months time - which losing that much weight in that amount of time really requires exercise being your full time job or doing very unhealthy things to do it.  I know people who pop diet pills like candy and do "cleanses" on a regular basis.  A 1200 calorie day is a day to feel guilty about and ashamed of, and every bite of food is an agonizing battle of adding calories in your head mixed with self-hatred and loathing.

I know that road - I have been there and to a certain extent I am still there - and yes - I am a dietitian.  I have had about a dozen glasses of milk in the last 20 years because I decided 20 years ago to no longer drink anything that contained calories.  I don't drink juice, any soda I drink is diet and my coffee is sweetened with stevia only, no cream here.  Tea is plain, and iced tea is unsweetened.  I have never been a sweets fan, so as much as I love to bake cookies and sweet breads I rarely eat them because I don't like them.  Even today - I consume two meals a day and no snacks.  I eat brunch and dinner.  On the days I work it is even less, I have a 190 calorie protein bar for lunch and a balanced, home cooked dinner.  I exercise daily - trying to jog at least one mile a day and I get in a mile walk at lunch.  I make sure the pedometer has at least 10,000 steps a day, because that is what I have been told is required to be "healthy".  I know my diet isn't balanced but I add a calcium supplement, multi vitamin, and fish oil daily to try to fill in any of the things I am missing.  Yet - with that - my weight continues to shift up about 10 pounds every year or so.  That 10 pound shift usually happens in a week. . . I will be stable and then just suddenly, for no reason at all, be 10 pounds heavier.  I know this because I still weigh myself three times a week.

I eat healthy and exercise regularly, yet I am obese and ashamed of it.  Embarrassed to be around other dietitians who are much thinner than I am because I must be doing something wrong. . . . I mean if I weren't doing something wrong than I would be 90-110 pounds, right?  WRONG!

I was NEVER meant to be 90-110 pounds, but was brainwashed into believing that was the case by society and medical professionals.  The photo of my great-great grandmother is on my shelf, a hard working farm lady who was probably 40-50 pounds above her IBW.  With her is my great grandmother, another hard working farm woman who is 20-30 pounds above her IBW.  I should have realized that genetically I was never meant to be 90-110 pounds. . . . NEVER.  But instead I did things to be "healthy", because overweight is unhealthy and normal weight is healthy.  I got close to it. . . 114 pounds was my lowest adult weight.  I even stayed there for a few years, even though I started having seizures.  Even though I was dizzy every time I stood up.  Even though my head, joints, and bones always ached. . . .I was almost healthy. . . just 4 more pounds and I would finally be in the normal body range. . . . I did that until the day came when I honestly thought I was going to die.  That was when I stopped and started eating daily again, twice a day actually.  Most of the aches went away.  The seizures stopped.  And the weight started to go up.

Today I am many, many pounds more than I was then.  My blood pressure is usually 90/60 - which is normal.  I still do have issues with low blood sugar, so I have to watch what I eat, make sure I don't overdo carbs and I have protein at each meal because I am a reactive hypoglycemic.  Something that was caused from my years of not eating.  I have chronic GI and stomach problems, something caused again from years of not eating along with years of laxative abuse.  My cholesterol is always very normal.  I jog daily.  I don't overeat.  To be honest, with the exception of the GI issues (again, caused from the things I did to try to lose weight) I am healthier than I have ever been in my adult life.  And I am obese.

My point to this rant is this. . . we have been lied.  We have been told that we are fat because we eat too much and don't do enough.  We have been told that if we lose weight we will be healthier and we will live longer and our lives will be healthier.  We have been told what weight we should be and that anything above that is unhealthy.  We have been told that it is OK to do extreme things to get to this weight - have dangerous surgeries - take pills - exercise beyond reason - limit our intake to starvation - it is all OK as long as we have a BMI below 25. . . . because that is what is healthiest and that is what will make us live longer.  Well I call bull shit on that.  We have been lied to, and study after study shows that.

Be active, eat healthy, enjoy eating, listen to your body's hunger and full cues,  and your weight is going to be what it is going to be.  Accept this and accept this in others.  BE ACTIVE, EAT HEALTHY, ENJOY EATING, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY'S HUNGER AND FULL CUES, AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR WEIGHT IS GOING TO BE WHAT IT IS GOING TO BE!  Healthy weight is different for each person and can not determined by a growth grid or a BMI number. . . .

That is my rant. . . .