OK - first of all I want to apologize for all the whining and crying I have done the last few months. I don't like being that person. I don't like being the person who panics and goes off.
I was talking to a fellow meals on wheels delivery person today. He was talking about his twin brother and he showed me a photo of him. The man in the photo looked about 10 years older than the person I was talking to, and I mentioned that to him. He said, "Yah, that is my brother. He worries about everything and says few words and I think that is part of it. I always tell my daughter there are three things to live by - 1 - be nice to everyone. Doesn't matter who they are, just be nice to them. 2 - Be happy. The best way to combat worry and anxiety is to just be happy. 3 - Be brave, because when you are brave is when you will leave your comfort zone and go off and do something great." That got me thinking about who I am as a person, lately and my entire life. Really has me thinking. . . .
For most of my life I have been worried or anxious about something. Would this be the last time I will see Grandma because she will die? Will my parents car make it to where we are driving to? Would my parents have another fight and I have to pack everything up and leave again? Would the house catch on fire tonight when we are sleeping? Would there be enough food tonight to eat? You can see where this is going, right. . So much of my life has been eaten up by worry. I know see my own four children - Gabe already worried about how he is going to pay for college. Lucy who panics when I get out of her sight in public because she thinks I left her. Lucy who is so afraid of drowning that she won't learn to swim. Lucy who panics when ever we have to cross a road, even if no one is coming. I see how this is effecting my children, and altering their happiness.
Along with this, I have always done what is "safe". I am not a gambler - I don't get enjoyment out of it. I like the sure thing, but, in life, sometimes you have to be brave and gamble. Sometimes the only way to get ahead is to gamble and just jump in. I don't do that. Nick's master's degree was probably the closest thing we have ever done to gambling. Heck - even my BS was calculated - I wanted to be a doctor but I figured if I didn't go that far then I would need a degree that could still get me a job - that is the reason I went into dietetics - it could be a pre-med degree but I could still get a job if I didn't go that far.
I am so done with worrying about everything - and over thinking every detail. It has gotten me nowhere. I don't want my children to repeat this life I have created for myself - so I am going to change it. I am going to make myself not worry about everything. I am going to make myself stop over thinking things - even if it means I will be drinking more wine until I can re-train my brain. I am done with this. . . .