I believe in God. I believe there is something else out there. I love God and I am thankful for the things I have in my life. I have read parts of the bible - I need to read more - maybe that is part of my issue. I also find that there are parts of the bible that really bother me - the wrathful, "I will kill everyone's first born son" parts. Those are the parts that make me wonder about the bible . . . . if God loves us so much - all of us - then I don't understand some of the things that happened in the bible.
Well, I am getting off the subject I wanted to start this with. . . This morning someone on f-book posted a link to a blog about how trusting in God helps with parenting. I read the article and I see exactly what this person was saying - and I can see how much that would help. I could hear Grandma in the back of my head saying over and over again, "Don't worry, God will take care of you. God loves you. Just have faith." That is my issue. . . I believe in God. I believe in a creator. I even believe he is out there and he loves us all. . . my issue is that trusting that everything will be "OK".
Does this mean I don't believe in God? No. It means I look around me every day and see the world. How many little kids starve to death in Africa everyday? Are those little kids bad kids? No. I am sure some of them even have been exposed to and believe in God. . . yet they starve to death. My Aunt Mary - who studied the bible and wanted to grow up to be a missionary. My Aunt Mary who had faith and love in God. . . she died of cancer when she was 12. Did that turn out OK? My Grandfather - a hard working, God-fearing man. He suffered from stroke after stroke, starting when he was not much older than I am, and died of a massive heart attack two days after his 53rd birthday leaving my Grandma alone to raise three children by herself. Did that turn out OK?
I don't believe God makes bad things happen to us. I don't believe he gave my Aunt cancer for a reason. I don't believe he made my Grandfather die at 53 for a reason. I don't believe he made our first baby die before he ever was able leave the womb for a reason. Bad things happen and I don't believe God makes those things happen - at the same time I don't think I believe God makes good things happen for us either. I don't believe those who are more "successful" in life are better people and that is why God made them be more successful. I try very hard to hear the words I once read/head - nothing in this world really matters - these are worldly things and you shouldn't hold on to them. . . . but watching people you love suffer is hard. Suffer from disease. Suffer from hunger (I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in Africa and have to watch your children starve to death - or maybe I can and that is why it bothers me.) Living in America broke with kids is hard. . . . I see their future ahead of them . . . either now college and minimum wage jobs or college degrees and a mountain of student loan debt. I try to tell myself it shouldn't matter. . . these are worldly things and don't matter in the kingdom of God. Again, maybe this means my faith just isn't strong enough.
Bad things happen to amazing, loving, God-fearing people every day. Horrible, terrible things happen to them. They starve. Their kids starve. They are beaten down and stepped on. They are treated like garbage. So - how do I let go of my worry and just have faith everything will work out OK. How do I trust that my husband will find a great job that is closer to home? How do I trust that God will look out for my children when I am away from them? How do I trust that it will all work out and be OK? I want to. I still hear Grandma in my head, "It will all be OK, God will take care of you". . . . but how do I let go of my anxiety that those I love will suffer and be in pain, or they will be ripped from me?
I don't want to worry anymore. I want to just enjoy my family. I love them. I love my husband - he is a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart. I love my kids - they are such amazing people. . . I want to enjoy them and not worry. How do you make your mind ignore the reality that horrible things happen to great people everyday and just stop and love the minute God gave you - because that is what I want to do.