Reflections. . . .

2012 is coming to its end.  It has been a long year, at least for me.  As we reflect on 2012 there are many things that come to mind.

First - thankfulness.  I am very thankful that my husband has a job (and has had one for many years) that can feed our family.  I complain about not being able to save for retirement or the kids college - but I am so very thankful that we can afford to feed them and put a roof over their heads.  That is so much more than many others can say.

Second - I think of the two family members we have added to our household - Ninja and Olive.  Olive may be a needy dog at times - but she loves us and we love her.  I am so thankful she is our dog.  Ninja - don't know where he would be if our neighbor hadn't found him in the parking lot of a pharmacy and brought him home.  He is such a loving cat - kind of like a dog in a cats body.  I am so glad he is in our family.

Third, I am thankful that my Lucy is getting better.  I am so thankful.  She may never be where she was on October 17, 2011, but she is getting better.  Our kids and their health are gifts to us that I will never take for granted.

In 2012 I finally did something I have wanted to do for a while - try out homeschooling.  It is a lot of work - but the best thing I have ever done as a parent.  Homeschooling Gabe has allowed us to connect in a way we hadn't before.  Every parent of a middle schooler should do this.  Great bonding experience!  

I think of all the things that have happened in the last year.  I think of the terrible things that have happened here in America. . . . shootings in a theater. . . .shootings in a mall. . . shooting fire men as the come to fight a house fire. . . and the horrible shooting in an elementary school.  I can't help but look at these things and feel sad for the way this country is heading.  I worry what the world will be like for my children, and their children.

Along with that I look around me every time I go out and I see the way people are.  People are so hateful to each other.  Screaming nasty things at each other.  Flipping people off for no reason.  Not caring about anyone but themselves.  I know when I was a child neighbor looked out for neighbor.  I remember that.  People actually cared about each other - now it seems people only care about themselves - oh - and money (or the appearance of money).  I am trying to tell myself that this is just Florida - but it is hard when you hear about the stuff in the above paragraph on the news. . . .

This was the first full calender year with out Grandma - and I survived it.  I miss her - tremendously - but I survived it.  This was the first summer I stayed at Grandma's house without her.  What a privilege it was to be there.  Kind of scary at times, but I am so thankful we were able to do it.

This was our first full year living in Florida.  I can say - I don't like it any more than I did in my first few months of grief down here - but we are doing our best to be happy here.  This is where our home is and we have to make our house the home we want and ignore everything around us.

This year I realized some people I cared about greatly really don't reciprocate those feelings.  I realized that someone I very much enjoyed the company of felt nothing but contempt for me.  I was saddened by that for I very much liked this person.  I realized that many of the people I enjoyed the company of in the past and miss spending time with really don't miss my company at all, I am nothing to them . . . . and I have become OK with that.  Family members that I didn't think cared our thought of me actually do, while at the same time others who I put a lot of time and energy into could care less.  I have also realized that I have my own family now, the five other people who live in this house, and they need to be my focus.  Also,  I do have some great friends from the past that I miss - and I hope this coming year to focus on those relationships more. 

2012 was survived by most. . . despite "super storms" and the end of the Mayan calender. . . despite the hatred from a heated election and sick people targeting our babies in their school. . . .2012 is almost over and we can see 2013 on the horizon.  I look at 2013 with excitement.  It can bring anything.  Despite things like "fiscal cliffs" and anger of guns, more than likely we will all survive 2013 as well.  We might as well enjoy the ride while we are here!  I plan to do my best to enjoy it and look at what I have been blessed with - hope you do the same.

So - to everyone reading - happy 2013. . . .

"Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne."

Dear world. . .

Hello.  My name is Angel.  I am college educated.  I am a thinker.  I enjoy learning new things and learning how things work.  I believe in science, and love to learn about science. . . and. . . I believe in God.

Yep.  I believe in God.

Recently, I have come across many people who vocalize that God can't be real.  They vocalize that people who believe in a God must be ignorant sheep followers.  They have to be people who believe in fairy tales.  There is no way sane, intelligent people can believe in God.  There is no proof that God exists, thus there must be no God.

I am saddened by this.  This is a very closed minded view.

Now, I must say I did not grow up going to church.  In fact, I don't remember my mother ever taking me to church.  I went with Grandma once or twice, but I am not a church goer.  Church just isn't right for me, and never has been.  I did, however, grow up with God being in my life.  As a child I gathered a lot of strength from God.  My child like "he will right all that is wrong, protect and love those who believe in him, and reward those who are good" really helped me deal with a less than ideal childhood.  I am thankful God was in my life during those times.

In college I had my doubts.  For a time I turned my back on God and vowed he didn't exist.  How could he exist with all the evil and bad in the world?  How could he allow so much suffering?  I admit it.  I doubted God.

As I grew I studied more.  I saw the world.  I saw things that could only be explained by the fact that we are not here alone. 

Now, I am not sure if I fully believe in the bible.  I do have some doubts there . . . but I know more than anything that there is a God and he loves us.  He cries with us when we cry.  He shares in our joys with us.  I also believe that the bad things that happen in this world are not "his will".  He did not want these things to happen, but he is with us in our sadness when they do.  I don't believe God can protect us from each other - our gift of free will has a dark side (if the bible is 100% true).

I do have questions and doubts, but I will say this, my belief in God doesn't mean I am ignorant.  I question everything and take a long time to form my opinion.  I am not a follower, I am a questioner.  My belief in God does not make me weak, in fact it is exactly the opposite, my belief in God makes me stronger.  I know that no matter what happens here on this Earth I will never be alone, for God is with me.  His love is with me - and with his love nothing else matters much. 

Thus, you can talk about me being "stupid" for what I believe in.  You can laugh when you see me reading the bible or you see my family say grace.  Personally, it doesn't matter what you think, all that matters is what God thinks.  

What, as Americans, are we OK with?

Gabe is in his room playing his new video game, and I have an hour before I have to pick the girls up from the bus so I decided to turn on the news.  We have avoided it as much as possible - most information I learned was from searching the internet news sites when the kids were not around.  Beyond just the total sadness of the loss of these 27 people (I include his mother here as well for she is also a victim), I hear people arguing over political stuff.  Personally it makes me ill. . . . But here are my thoughts on it.

I grew up in northern Michigan.  When I lived with my mom we almost always had a loaded gun by the door.  Guns were part of our livelihood.  My parents were avid hunters.  On top of that my parents also believed the government was out to get us and that we had a right to own any gun out there to protect ourselves from when the government decided to do what ever evil thing it was going to do.  We should own flame throwers, machine guns. . . anything out there.  Our second amendment right says we can have these guns and we should have them.

I am not anti-gun.  I see a need for them.  I see a use for them.  When this country was founded there was a good chance your survival depended on owning a gun.  There are still people today who use guns to keep their livelihood.  I see hunting as a good thing.  It keeps the animal population down and provides healthy meat for a family.  My children have held guns and target practiced.  I understand the draw of guns, but for me, personally, I don't see why people need to own some of these guns.  A gun to hunt with - I get it.  A gun for protection - OK - I could see that, but why do you need a gun that will do the kind of damage that some of these guns can do?

So here we are - as Americans - and we have to decide what we are OK with.  Are we OK with people owning the semi-automatic weapons that can carry 30 rounds in them?  Are we OK with people owning guns that really aren't going to be used for hunting?  We have the right to keep and bare arms - the constitution states that - but this constitution was written during a different time.  People were different.

I know, if someone wants to do this kind of damage they can do it without a gun.  Timothy McVeigh and Andrew Kehoe showed us that, but it is harder.  Requires more planning.  Requires more steps that might bring attention to this person and may prevent this from happening.  A gun makes it so easy, especially a gun that can demolish 27 people in a matter of minutes.  Mr. McVeigh and Mr. Kehoe had to put intensive planning into what they did, took a long time to gather all the material needed.  It took a while.  It wasn't a week or two. . . . it was a long time.  A gun makes a moment of anger so much easier to act upon. . .

We can toss blame everywhere here.  We can say the mother shouldn't have owned the guns (which, in all honestly, I kind of think that if you have an unstable person in the home and guns then those guns should be made unavailable to this person).  We can say the mother should have put this individual in an institution (which, the reality of it is there are very few institutions for these individuals.)  We can say "guns don't kill people, people kill people,"  all we want, but the reality of it is that 27 people were blown to pieces because a gun was put in the hands of this young man.  Would these people have been killed if he didn't have access to these guns?  We don't know, but we don know that 20 little kids and 7 adults are gone because this person did have access to these guns.

So I go back to my title of this blog, what are we, as Americans, OK with.  Do we see our right to own these guns as so important that we are going to keep selling them (there is no way we can remove the guns that are already sold and owned, but we could stop selling new guns in this country)?  I am not talking about hunting guns.  I am not talking about six shooter hand guns.  I am talking about weapons that go beyond basic self defense and hunting.  Is the freedom to continue selling these guns that important?  If your answer is "yes" then we, as Americans, have to be OK with things like this happening here in this country.  You can't have it both ways.  You can't still have these guns available (and from what I have read these guns were all purchased legally), and be irate when things like this happen.  We have to choose. . . .

Trying to come to terms . . .

After the events of yesterday I think every parent in America is devastated.  What a heartbreaking thing to have happen.  20 children - most probably 5 or 6 years old - gone.  This was not a bus accident - tragic as it would be.  This was not a fire in a building or school.  This was not a middle or high school shooting conducted by these children's peers.  These sort of things, tragic as they may be, have a seed of understanding in them.  You can grasp a reason.  At this point, less than 24 hours later, what you know is that 20 kids and 7 people are dead because someone walked into a school with a gun and killed them.

As a parent it is impossible to understand how anyone could target children, especially children of that age.  How someone could specifically go to those classrooms full of young children and target them.  These were not children who happened to be at a movie where someone just started killing people.  These children were not at a mall shopping with their family and just happened to be killed because they were there.  These children didn't happen to be in a building that was being bombed.  These children were targeted.  5 and 6 year olds.

As a parent of four children, three of them in elementary school and two of them in kindergarten, you can empathize with these parents.  You can imagine what it would be like to get that call and go to the school to get your kids.  You can imagine what it would be like to be looking for your child at that school  - the panic - the joy over finding them.  And, you can imagine what those 20 families who went to that school to pick up their child, a child the same age as mine, and not find them.  Watching other children walk out with their parents, and continuing to look for yours.  Waiting - assuming their class will be coming out of the school soon - only to find out those children will not be coming home with you.  You can imagine the emptiness of their homes and their hearts.

I think most people just feel sick.  I know I do.  Nauseous actually.   I also feel grateful.  This school was about the same size as the school my girls attend.  Middle class neighborhood.  A place where you put your kids on the bus and send them off to school with the assumption that they will get off the bus that night.  I am so thankful this didn't happen at my children's school.  Thankful that I get another night to curl up with my kids and watch Christmas movies with them.  Thankful that we get to sit down and share dinner together.  Thankful that it is them and not me - because in all honestly this could have been any school in America.

This has happened before - senseless killing of young children.  May 18, 1927 Andrew Kehoe rigged the school in Bath, Michigan to blow up.  He was angry that the new school building caused his taxes to go up and now he was in danger of losing his home.  He was a member of the school board and did work on the school when it needed it - so he went in there and set up explosives to blow the school up.  38 people died and 58 more were injured - most of them young children.  October 2, 2006 Charles Roberts entered an Amish school and killed 5 girls and injured 5 more before killing himself.  So this isn't new - but it doesn't make it any easier to understand.

So here I sit, at 5:30 am trying to make sense of things that will never be made sense of.  I was woken up by my 10 year old over an hour ago because she was afraid.  Assuring my 10 year old that her school is safe and it won't happen there.  Listing to her cry as she says, "If they came into our school the first class they would get to after the office would be Sarah's!  I don't want Sarah to die."  Hearing my six year old say, "Mom, someone went in there and killed those little kids.  And this close to Christmas too."  Hearing my 12 year old say, "Why does anyone care.  This happened in Connecticut, this is their problem not ours,"  and trying to explain to him that as a fellow American and a fellow parent it is our problem.  These are our brothers and sisters in this country so when something this tragic happens to them it does - to a certain extent - happen to all of us.  Looking at all four of my kids, who drive me nuts sometimes, and knowing that having them here another night to trash my house and drive me nuts is such a pure gift.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those 20 families who weren't given that gift - as well as the families of the adults who were killed.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the people who walked into that building to try to save children and teachers only to be confronted with the reality of the situation.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the gunman, who lost two family members through these tragic means.  Bad things happen to good people everyday. . . . but this even goes beyond that line.  This is just heartbreaking. 

Working at this school. . .

I have been a parent for a while now, and while I have not been head of the PTA involved I have always tried to help out where/when I could.  This year, with my youngest two in school I have more of a chance to help out.  Was helping once a week at the school lunch, until those bratty kids made me not want to do that anymore.  I have volunteered here and there.  I love working around kids and being around kids - I get a lot of joy out of being around kids - usually - but I can say at this point I never want to work in that school again.

Other blogs have pointed out that I don't feel like I fit down here.  I am who I am.  I don't wear make-up.  I am overweight.  I have yellow, crooked teeth.  I have been this way my entire life and have worked around kids most of my life as well.  Kids usually love me.  Kids who never go to anyone but their parents happily climb up in my lap.  I am a kid person. . .

Well - I think that went away somewhere.  Evelyn's class is awesome.  I have helped out in there a time or two, and the kids from there always say "Hi" to me when they see me on the street.  It is the twins class.  Those are the kids who pop out, "You're not my boss, you're Lucy's boss," when I work the lunch room.  And more recently - something I find very sad - Ellie is now being singled out and made fun of because I am her mom. 

I can take the bratty kids not listening to me.  I can take the, "Why do you have two rows of teeth?" question - it is childhood curiosity.  What I can't take is my kids being singled out and laughed at because I am their mother.  I never wanted that for my children.  I have been there and I know how much it hurts - but now as a parent it hurts even more to see my kids hurt because I am who I am. . . .

I am thankful my husband has a great job, but I really hope he finds another great job somewhere not here in the next year or two.  I don't like my kids growing up in this environment. . . .

Look around and see the moment. . .

Yep, Angel has another rant spewing from her fingertips. . . . . my rant of the day - ipads/smartphones/cellphones.  You all know what I am talking about!  Those portable devices that allow us to be anywhere while we are texting/talking/web surfing. 

I love my internet as much as the next guy.  I get my hour or two in the am, and an hour or two in the pm.  I am embarrassed to admit the amount of time I spent stalking people on f-book, or window shopping at on-line Macy's to see if that dress I want is cheap enough for me to buy yet.  I have an addiction to the internet and I am trying to break it.  So maybe this rant is the pot calling the kettle black - who knows - but, when I am sitting down at the dinner table with my kids I am at that table with my kids.  When I am at the park with my kids I am actually there with my kids.  When I am driving my car I am actually looking around in traffic and driving. 

What kind of a society are we becoming where we HAVE to stay connected like this?  I have rules for my kids - no screen time between 8 and 8 (although technically Gabe's virtual school is screen time - I somehow don't count that - pot and kettle again).  During the day my kids have to be living.  Playing.  Interacting face to face with people.  We need these rules for adults too. 

At the park I see people constantly texting or playing a game or something on their i-something or other.  What the heck is so important?  Your kid is in front of you calling for you to see them do that flip they have done a thousand times - be a parent and watch them for Pete sake.  You created that kid - they didn't ask to be here - so give them some attention! 

If you are at the dinner table eating with your family and here a text bing - don't answer it!!!!  You are having dinner with your family!  Unless you are a doctor that needs to be contacted at a moments notice then nothing in the text is that important! 

If you are driving in traffic and you get a text - don't answer it!!!  Again - normal people will never have a text that requires endangering their live or the lives of people around them to check it. 

These stupid devices have made it way too easy to live your life with your head in a friggen screen.  They have made it too easy to check out on real life and the real world, and just walk around texting your buddies to see what they are doing or texting non-stop to see if that deal went through.  They have made it too easy to ignore our loved ones around us and become even crappier parents than we were before.  So - people- pull your head out of your - well - you know where it is and look around and take in what is around you.  You probably only have 80-ish years on this planet - do you want those 80 years spent texting/surfing or do you actually want to see your child do something amazing or see that beautiful sunset?

Marriage. . . .my thoughts and opinions

Here is one of my two cent blogs.  This is just my opinion and for the most part I have kept this to myself, but I figured since family was already writing me off left and right for my opinion then I might as well put it out there. 

I am not an expert on marriage.  I am not a psychologist.  My own marriage isn't perfect, but we have been married for almost 16 years now, together for 18 so I think that says something.  On top of that, our marriage has neither been perfect nor easy.  It began with the death of three members of my husband's family.  Our marriage continued with poverty, under employment, infertility, miscarriages, depression from both sides, unhealthy pregnancies requiring almost a year of bedrest between the four of them, one person moving 1400 miles away for a job while the other has to single parent it and pack up a home, death of loved ones, and children with serious developmental delays.  At this point in my life I have given up on ever being financially comfortable - we will be perpetually middle class, four child broke.  I also have to add that at one point my husband was working full time and going to school full  time (to a college that was three hours away) while I worked part time and parented four children.  Our marriage has been stressful, to say the least. 

In my life I have also witnessed many marriages/relationships crumble.  While I am the first to say that life is too short to be unhappy, and no one should live in a relationship that is either physically or emotionally abusive, I will say that it is just sad to watch people give up so quickly on what they once said should last a life time.  So - here are my thoughts on how to produce a happy marriage.

1.  Make sure you are marring the right person.  OK - this might seem like a "duh", but you would be amazed at how many people marry the first person they fall in "love" with.  I have seen people get married at 17 and stay married forever, it does happen, but I have seen way more people get married right out of high school.  Do you really grasp marriage at that age?  I don't think most people do.  I was purposed to by three different people in my life time.  Now, I am not an amazing catch, I am the first to admit that one.  That fact that I was purposed to ever still amazes me, but I had three very different, honest proposals to marriage.  I know that I would have been happier being alone forever then marring either of the first to men who asked me to marry them.  We wouldn't have worked well together.  They were both great guys, and I liked them both as friends, but there is no way that I would have been able to live the rest of my life with them. 

2.  Only you can make yourself happy.  No man or woman will make you happy if you are un-happy.  I am not saying that a person won't bring you joy, but you can't marry someone with the thought that you will be happy once you marry them.  Only you can make you happy.   You can not bring happiness to someone else either - they have to find their own happiness.  In marriage, you can hope that the two of you together can help you find your own happiness, and you can share it together, but that is it.

3.  Things will not work out as you plan.  I am 38 years old.  I had plans for my life.  At this age Nick and I would be financially comfortable, have three very bright, funny, and witty kids.  We would travel the world and share that with our children.  We would have a plethora of friends and we would both be nearing the top of our career field - Nick as a writer and I as a pediatrician. . .   Those where my plans when we got married.  Life happens.  You can't let the road blocks in life ruin you or your marriage.   I never went to medical school.  Nick never was promoted.  Sick children led to crushing debt.  Heck - two of our children have serious developmental delays that really have changed our views on the future.  We are broke - four kids - working class broke.  Heck, I am 38 and Nick is 42 and we don't even own a house.  Very little has turned out the way we planned for it to turn out.  You have to roll with it and not let it destroy you or your marriage.

4.  Sex does not define a marriage.  OK - this is probably TMI but we have four kids who hardly ever sleep.  When they do finally all fall asleep there is a good bet that the adults are done as well.  Sex may be an awesome thing, but not having it as often as you would like does not mean that your marriage is over.

5.  Bringing another life into the relationship will not "fix" anything.  I love kids more than anything.  I personally would have a baby every two years if my body could, but my body can't do that anymore and honestly wasn't all that good at it when it could.  I love babies and puppies and kittens, but if your marriage is in trouble don't get pregnant, bring home a puppy or kitten. . . . . .don't.  Adding another life to chaos usually does not mend the issue - it usually just adds more stress and makes it worse!

6.  There are no "his job" " her job" in a relationship.  You are a TEAM.  It is not one persons job to hear the money while another persons to clean the house and take care of the kids.  Work together.  That may sound strange when you know me, I am a SAHM and Nick works full time.  I do most of the house work and take care of the kids, Nick earns the money and takes care of the yard.  That is how things tend to fall in our house, but there was a long time where we both worked and we both had to clean the house and cook.  When you start assigning "jobs" to one thing or the other than I find there is usually a lot of animosity when one person ends up doing the other persons job.  It isn't like that.  You are a TEAM.

7.  Don't fight about money.  OK - I know lots of people fight about money and I never understood that.  Maybe it is because we have never had more money than what we need.  There is no money to fight about because every penny pays the bills and for food, but so many people fight about money.  I saw it with my parents.  I have seen it with my friends.  Money is just money.  Oh - and there isn't "my money" or " his money".  You are a TEAM - the money belongs to the team and should go to benefit the TEAM! 

8.  You will have to give things up - don't be mad about it!  There will be things you enjoy that you will have to give up on - at least from time to time.  I love going to plays and the movies.  Love going!  I could go every week, but going to plays and movies can get expensive and when the money is tight you have to give it up.  Can't get mad at your spouse for it.  I wanted to be a SAHM.  Really wanted to be home with my kids when they were little, but because money was tight I had to get a job in order for the kids to eat.  Can't be mad at Nick for that, just how it is.  Nick loves his motorcycle, but when money is tight we can't afford to get it on the road.  Kids come first.  He can't be mad at me for that.  My point here is that things happen and both sides will have to give things up every now and then.  Maybe you love to go to the bar with your friends, but sometimes that can't happen because of money, work, kids.  You can't let that make you angry - that is life!

9.  Make your spouses goals important to you.  We all have goals in life (at least I hope we all do).  Know what your goals are, and know what your spouses goals are and do your best to make them happen.  Nick someday wants a pilot's license.  I want to make sure he gets that license.  I someday want a big old home, Nick knows that and is working to make that happen someday.  Nick wanted his MBA - so we made this happen - together.  We both want to help put our kids through college, not eat dog food in retirement, and be debt free.  Sometimes that seems unrealistic (like now when all the money earned seems to go towards living expenses), but these are goals we both have and someday I will go back to work to help these goals become a reality.

10.  It is not your spouses fault.  Life is hard.  The dreams you may dream may not ever happen.  You can be broke, tired, angry, scared. . . . don't take this out on your spouse.  You may have lost someone you love, may fell guilty about it, don't take it out on your spouse.  Your kids may have been nasty all day, you might not have gotten to shower, might feel fat and bloated, don't take it out on your spouse.

11.  Apologize.  We all say things we don't mean.  All of us.  When we are angry, sad, broken - things come out that we don't mean.  Apologize for it.  It isn't a competition.  You don't need to always be right.  Admit to being wrong and apologize.

12.  Don't give up because you don't like them.  OK - this probably sounds strange - but if there is no abuse in the relationship don't just walk away because you don't like that person.  There is point where being with someone can suck away your happiness - then you might really consider ending it - but if you are at a point where you just don't like that person don't end it.  Wait a little bit.  Give it time.  I will say - there have been times in the last 16 years where I didn't like Nick.  Times where the stress of dealing with kids and finances made his issues seem trivial and made me not want to deal with him anymore.  There were moments where I felt like everything I had to give was giving to the kids, and I just couldn't give him anything more.  Heck, there was a couple of years where this was how I felt - Nick was depressed over his crappy job and the loss of his family members, I was working and Gabe had just been diagnosed with autism while Evelyn was a year old.  We were broker and our health insurance wouldn't cover a dime of Gabe's medical expenses so every month seemed worse than the one before financially.  Nick had shut down and couldn't even even deal with Gabe's diagnosis - leaving it up to me alone to figure it out and figure out how we were going to pay for treatment.  Things were bad then, REALLY bad.  I didn't like Nick at that point, felt abandoned by him, didn't have it in me to help him deal with his own depression - but we didn't give up.  We talked about it at times, but the reality of it was that - a - we stood before God and promised we would be together until death -b- it was hard but no one said it would be easy and -c- at the end of our lives the reality of it is that I could think of no other man's butt I would be willing to wipe and I could think of no other man I would be OK wiping my butt than him.  He was my best friend at one point and just because things where hard and we both changed didn't negate the fact that he is my best friend.  

13.  Trust them.  You married them - stand back and trust them.  If they break your trust confront them, but until they have broken your trust then just trust them.  On the same token - be trust able.  Don't cheat on your spouse.   Don't hide things from him/her.  Don't betray him/her.  You are married to this person - act like you are married to this person!

14.  Communicate!  This is probably the number one reason why I think my marriage has lasted through what it has lasted through.  Tell your spouse everything.  Tell them what you feel and how you feel.  Tell them your plans and goals - and listen to them as they tell you theirs.  If you feel abandoned - tell them - and let them tell you things you don't want to hear.  Be open.  Be honesty.