It has been a rough week. Not sure why. Maybe it has been the full moon. Maybe it is because it is just hot, humid and miserable here AGAIN. Maybe it is because I had to stay home a few days this week instead of volunteering at the school - and when I am alone the real sadness and depression kicks in. Maybe it is because it is fall, my favorite time of year, yet here fall is the same as every other season. . . . hot and humid. Whatever the reason - this week has been rough.
As a child I read the story of Heidi. I read how she missed her mountains so much that she was actually physically ill. I read it, but really didn't get it. I do now.
Here we are - in Florida. A place where a soldier during the Seminole war once wrote "If the Devil owned both Hell and Florida, he would rent out Florida and live in Hell!" Every moment I am here I feel a piece of me die. A piece of who I am as a person. What I stand for. I can not exist here as who I am. . . . I either have to change myself or just hide away from everyone. A place where everything I love does not exist (except my husband and kids). I hate living here with every ounce of who I am. The climate is horrible (I thought the cold was terrible - but this non-stop heat and humidity can drive one mad!) The people are so not who I am - they are either scary (the vast majority of the freaky stories you hear on the news come from Florida), closed minded beyond belief, or immoral. The bugs - they are everywhere. Compounded to that is the fact that I am deathly allergic to fireants - and they are everywhere outside - thus even if I did want to suck it up and deal with the heat and humidity to go outside I have to live in constant fear of fireants. . . .
Florida - where if you have no extra money there really is NOTHING to do. Everything costs money. Everything. Going to the beach you have to pay to park. Going to a farm in the fall to look at animals and you have to pay just to get in. Walking into the county fair just to look at the animals is going to cost you $50. Everyone loves Florida because there is "so much to do" here, but I can tell you that if you don't have extra money then there is NOTHING to do in Florida.
Florida is 1400 miles from my family. I miss my family. I miss them so much it hurts. I miss seasons. I miss change. I even miss the snow (OK -not 6 months of snow - but I miss snow). I miss just being able to sit on my Grandma's porch and watch the cars drive by. I miss the festivals, the hiking trails, the fall colors, the excitement of change and the holiday season. Florida has none of that. My kids, I love them, but nothing is ever good enough for them. They always find something to complain and fight about - from what I am making for dinner to what we are watching on TV. There is no joy down here in Florida - in the house or out of the house.
Everyday I long for home. . . . I know this is where my family is and this is what I should consider my home, but I don't. Being here makes me physically and emotionally ill. Everyday that I am here another part of me dies. . . . I keep thinking that tomorrow has to be better than today. . . but it never is. It is just another day living in my hell. I keep waiting for something really bad to happen - one of the kids to get sick or killed - my husband to be killed on his way home from work. . . . that is what Florida is . . . nothing but bad.
I am afraid that I will never leave this place. That every day will just be like it is - an day worse than the one before. A day with no joy or happiness - another day where another piece of me dies. I fear that I will die down here and that my body will spend eternity in this place - slowly rotting forever in my hell. . .
I am ashamed for how I feel. I didn't like the long winters of Michigan - they depressed me as well. My husband has a job that he loves down here. My kids are doing OK down here. I know my family would be happy down here if it weren't for me. They like the beaches. Gabe loves Florida. Nick has a job that he really likes. The girls are the girls - they miss Michigan but they are fine where ever. . . It is me. Maybe I am not meant to be happy and I just need to accept my lot in life.
I can say though that I do fully understand Heidi now. I miss home. I miss the feel of home. I miss family and holidays with my family (even if they did drive me crazy!) I hope and pray I get to see Michigan again someday . . . I do so hate it here.