Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Gratitude. . .

The last year and a half of missing Grandma has been hard.  She is not someone I will ever "get over" - she was too big in my life for that.  It still seems, a year and a half out, that on a daily basis I think of her and miss her.  Not having her around to talk to really is like losing a piece of myself.  With that being said, at this point I just feel a tremendous amount of gratitude.  I feel so grateful that I get to grieve for her.

Now, please don't think this means I am glad she is gone, because I am not.  If I could get Grandma back the way she was 10 years ago I would do just about anything to do it.  The last couple of years for Grandma were hard for her.  I wouldn't want to elongate that for her - not being able to see or hear - being scared because she couldn't see or here - and being frustrated because she couldn't take care of her family anymore.  I know how hard that was for her.

I feel gratitude because I had someone like her in my life.  I know many people who have lost those they loved.  They grieve.  They miss that person very much.  I myself have lost people I cared about and I miss them, but somehow the loss of them was different from the loss of Grandma.  Grandma was always that one person who could bring me joy and happiness.  She was that one person who always made me realize everything was going to be OK.  She was that one person who accepted me for who I am.  She never criticized who I was (although she did let me know if she thought I was doing something that was wrong).  From the time of my birth she was my rock.  When life was hell and crazy and I had times where I didn't know if I could continue another day Grandma was always there and the same.  Grandma's house was my haven - filled with joy and love because she made it that way.

I feel gratitude because I know not everyone has someone in their life like my Grandma.  It was a privilege to have her in my life.  In my prayers I thank God for giving her to me and even though this grieving process sucks, even though there are moments where the pain is still so strong I can't even stand, I know how lucky I am to have had someone like her in my life.  I am so grateful to be able to grieve for her.  True saddness would be living my life and never having someone like her in it.

Thank you God for giving me my Grandma. . . .

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